Sunday, 18 February 2018


Bigot decided he too could play the role of a smart arse and so decided to have a bit of fun at their expense . The inevitable conclusion to a long running dispute ended up in court with Bigot ready and prepared to expose yet another parking bully to ridicule and shame . 

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : Is it true you parked your car without ever paying for a valid ticket ?
B-J : Not true.....
CP : Oh come now.....we have camera evidence of your car ....very slowly.... entering the site..... and then leaving several hours later......but no evidence of you ever buying a ticket
B-J : Of course I didn't buy a ticket.....what I brought onto the site was a fibre glass pedal-powered replica of a 1960's bubble car
CP : So you admit to parking up a car without paying.....taking up a valuable space which could have been taken by a paying motorist........depriving the company of potential revenue
B-J : The car park as always was near empty .......such is growing number of motorists vowing never to park there. The sheer extent of public outcry over the company's vile and pernicious behaviour Smart Arse Parking is now synonymous with " scumbags ".  No revenue lost there. Moreover , the contraption I arrived in was nothing more than an over-dressed cycle.....which had the external appearance of a car but nothing else.Your terms and conditions only applied to car drivers ......which means of course they didn't apply to me.
CP : But it was a 4 wheeled vehicle with a driver inside .....and that in my book fits the description of a car
B-J : I'm afraid're reading from the wrong book . The contraption was a cycle. It was not powered by petrol, diesel or battery.  There was no reverse gear. It had handlebar steering. There was no legal requirement to take out insurance. Moreover there was no legal requirement to have a MOT certificate or pay road tax.
CP : Your dead right on that last point. Finding out who was the owner proved very difficult indeed.....with there being no damn records of your vehicle registration number on the DVLA data base...... so Smart Arse Parking had to spend a small fortune hiring private detectives to track you which we aim to recover in full.... here in this court
Judge : No chance of that........Bigot entered the car park on a cycle.........which according to your signage did not warrant any payment for parking there.
CP : But he used up one the parking bays
Judge : Well that act may constitute trespass but your case is about breach of contract and therefore I have no choice but to throw out your claim. 
CP : Your Honour.....we have been shafted here by a very wicked and cunning man
Judge : Well that makes a refreshing change given the thousands of motorists shafted by your client's devious tricks and unethical practices. In fact when it comes to lack of morality Smart Arse Parking are right up there on top of the monkey tree.
CP : Oh dear.....when I report back to company's directors they are going to go ballistic
B-J : Don't you mean ape-shit...?
Judge : Nice one Bigot..



Yet another unbelievable act of obscene victimisation of the old and vulnerable by a company renown for its complete lack of moral and ethical values.  Bigot-Johnson , a close family friend , put himself forward to defend the case on the their behalf.

Counsel for the plaintiff : Mrs. Bennett has refused to pay the  £100 PCN issued against the driver of the car failing to purchase a ticket
B-J : Might I point out your Honour.....the  actual driver  happened to be the elderly Mr. Bennett,  who unfortunately died at his wheel  of his car..... just seconds after arriving and parking up in an available bay. It wasn't until another motorist noticed his body slumped over the steering wheel that an ambulance was eventually called to the scene. Needless to say that vehicle also picked up a PCN for failing to purchase a ticket.  
CP: The terms and conditions clearly state......that it was a pay and display car park which required drivers to purchase a ticket and display it face up on the dashboard   
BJ :  But.... Mrs. Bennett was not the one who drove the vehicle into the car park.
CP : Ah......not so fast Bigot.... you see she too became a driver...... by virtue of the fact she collected the car and drove it away.   
B-J : What is it with you parking companies that don't allow death to be a valid reason to get a PCN cancelled ?  Whatever next ?  Has the company no compassion at all ? 
CP : None.....absolutely none......because as you know all too well..... private parking companies are solely concerned with making easy money and big profits.. This of course can only be done by applying the rules in the strictest possible way. No exceptions allowed. 
Judge : No mercy shown then ?
CP : No......never.....and why the hell should there be ? If motorists contravene the rules they have to pay the price.
Judge : My sentiments entirely.....which is why I'm showing Rip Off Parking no mercy whatsoever. Their case is dismissed with all costs are to be borne by the company , plus of course another £2000 to be paid to the defendant for the psychological and emotional stress she has been put under as a result of this evil ,vindictive claim. That's the price the company will have to pay for being total and utter bastards.

Friday, 16 February 2018


Answer : Profit .......nothing but profit 

What the Supreme Court judges failed to grasp was that the £85 parking charge had very little to do with any traffic space maximisation objective , or the urgent need for a deterrent to stop motorists from overstaying, it was all about making easy money.

If say Parking Eye paid the supermarket £30,000 for the right to manage the car park in which motorists were entitled to stay for up to 3 hours , one would wonder about such a business arrangement. If all motorists dutifully left within the permitted time.  Parking Eye would be operating at a loss given the initial outlay plus other operational costs. 

Not in a million years. This arrangement is a real money spinner. 

Let's say the car park has 300 bays , which each on a busy day might see 5 different drivers over a 10 hour period. This adds up to 1500 drivers using the car park every day. So excluding Sundays the weekly total of drivers is as least 9000. In a fifty week year the initial investment for ownership rights works out at £600 a week , which requires only 7 drivers with poor time-keeping habits , forking out £85 each to allow the company to break even. Now if weekly operational costs of around £2,000 are to be taken into account , the break even point to cover the total weekly costs (£2,600 ) would be around 30 defaulting drivers. This as a % of 9000 drivers is 0.33 , just one motorist in every 300.

Therefore  , if a far more realistic % applies,  like 2.5% of drivers overstaying ( 1 in 40) , that adds up to 225 PCNs being issued every week ,  of which 195 represent generate pure profit. This figure works out to a colossal £16,575 weekly profit , when parking charges stand at £85. So when it is more likely the offer of a £50 charge for prompt payment is accepted , weekly profit is still a substantial £10,000.  This generates a yearly total profit of £500,000 : more than enough to take hundreds of drivers to court . A necessary requirement if parking Eye wants to intensify the fear factor on those initially reluctant to pay. 

So for the judges to think that Parking Eye's operation was focused on traffic space maximisation then how wrong could they be. For a start , the motorists who under-stayed (97.5%) ...... why they create 1000's of available spaces to accommodate additional motorists . The total time saved by the under-stayers completely dwarfs the total time stolen by the over-stayers. In my opinion there was no traffic flow problem in the first place .....and certainly not of a nature which warranted a hefty deterrent parking charge of £85. Indeed , this profit-generating lump sum fine was clearly punitive and manifestly unreasonable. Why should the few be made to subsidise the majority who park for free ? It seems all wrong. 

If the supermarket wants £30,000 perhaps it should tell Parking Eye to go and stuff themselves , asking instead the 450,000 customers they get each year to pay 10p on entry.
Heavens above....... this would  actually earn them £45,000.
Welcome to the theatre of the absurd.   

Wednesday, 14 February 2018


Once again Bigot was not prepared fall into the trap of paying a £100 parking charge for such a trivial transgression  . Here was another car parking company. Another  minor overstay. Another day in court to assert his dominance over these corporate gangsters.

Judge : Where's the counsel representing Smart Arse Parking ?
B-J : God knows
Judge : Well , if he's not here in the  five minutes , I shall be obliged to kick out the claim and award the decision to the defendant by default
B-J : Yippee
( But just then a panting and puffing counsel rushes into the courtroom looked incredibly harassed and stressed )
Judge : You're late
CP : So sorry ...your Honour.....I was unavoidably caught up in a huge traffic jam due to an accident
Judge : So what is your case against the defendant ?                                                          CP : Overstaying by 12 minutes
B-J : Yes, that's true.....but I was late back to my car because I had been helping the police with an eye-witness statement following a mugging yards from where I was standing
CP : No excuses please !  This company has heard them all. Smart Arse Parking is not prepared to listen to pathetic excuses for overstays.  Christ Supreme Court judge correctly pointed out that all motorists needed to do was to wear a watch... and keep careful track of the time
Judge : So you are unwilling to allow convenient excuses to warrant the cancellation or reduction of a parking charge ?
CP : Absolutely
Judge : So please tell me counsel were you wearing a watch today and keeping track of time ?
CP : Yes I was.....but surely you understand that unforeseen events can thwart even the best laid plans. Life can be so unpredictable
Judge : when it comes to turning up late to court would argue that there are legitimate reasons entitling you to be absolved from any penalty or punishment 
CP : Oh indeed.......that's only fair and right
Judge : But arriving late back to a car park is inexcusable then ?
CP : Yes...of course
Judge : This hypocrisy is intolerable.  Common sense must prevail. Bigot's overstay deserves understanding , sympathy and compassion. Smart Arse Parking's inflexible  stance on this matter to impose a £100 charge is manifestly unreasonable. I therefore declare the charge to be an unenforceable penalty
CP : But what about the Beavis ruling ?
Judge : Sod that......the circumstances here are dismissed


Yes there's much less risk involved if you follow Bigot Johnson's sensible lead......but you must hold firm in the event of the relentless harassment, intimidation and threats from these scumbag , morally bankrupt operators.  
This is how a court case , if a long running dispute ever goes that far , might well pan out.....

Counsel for the plaintiff : were issued a PCN for overstaying. Your 2 hour ticket ran out at 12.08 pm but our camera recorded your exit at 12.26 pm. This 16 minute overstay was a flagrant contravention of the terms and conditions you agreed to abide by. So please tell the court what you've got to say about that ?
B-J : Well......on realising I was late in returning to my car I thought it was both right and correct to purchase another 1 hour ticket. This took place at 12. 22 pm and I have the ticket to prove it here in my hand
Judge : What an honest and sensible man you are Bigot
B-J : Thank you ....your Honour.......I appreciate that comment
CP : Ah.....but for the time period 12.08 to 12.22 pm..... your car was parked up for 14 minutes without a valid ticket. This makes you liable for the full parking charge of £100 does it not ?
Judge : Might I intervene at this point counsel ?
CP :   You may...
Judge : So please me what number of hours did Bigot pay in total ?
CP : 3 hours
Judge : And how long was his stay ?
CP :  2 hours and 16 minutes
Judge : Well . there you have loss of income whatsoever.....therefore this ridiculous  charge of £100 is clearly punitive in nature.....rendering it an unenforceable penalty. Case dismissed
CP : But...but....but
Judge : Don't but me counsel......or I'll have you back in court for contempt
Bigot : Wow.....that's the very word I have for anyone who represents these evil and vindictive scammers
Judge : and I are truly operating on the same wave length


Monday, 12 February 2018


- Nice little business you run here 
- Not half.....we make so much money it makes my eyes water
- I guess the market potential is huge
- It's massive..... given the fact its customer base is made up of stupid, spineless motorists
   who we can fleece over and over again.... and of course with more people using cars to 
   go shopping at places where parking spaces are at a premium......the scene is set to cash 
   in on these suckers left, right and centre
-  Like shoting fish in a barrel ?
-  Exactly
-  But surely customers matter ?  Shouldn't meeting their needs be part of your company's
   mission statement ?
-  Bollocks to that......this type of customer is nothing more than a cash cow that needs to be
   milked dry......or to put it another way........butchered 
-  Oh
-  And yes...... customers are mentioned in the company's mission statement in that we
   commit ourselves to treating them all equally and in the same way
-  What way is that then ?
-  We treat them all like shit
-  Well I never
-  If any of our terms and conditions are matter what pathetic reasons 
   motorists come back with to have their parking charges cancelled or reduced ....
   we set about them in a unforgiving, pernicious way......such is the nature of our
   voracious policies......there no room in business for sentiment or compassion. We treat
   them all the same whether they are alive or dead
- What....even when they are dead ?
- Absolutely ......just because a motorist dies at the wheel of his car seconds after parking
  it up in a bay......the fact he fails to purchase a ticket still means we have a legitimate claim    on his estate for that £150 outstanding parking charge 
-  So do all motorists pay up ? 
-  I should say so.......not many can withstand the relentless onslaught of harassing letters,
   threats and intimidation ?  Indeed.....the majority cave in straightaway.....despite the fact
   we obviously go out of our way to trick , deceive and entrap them. Even those who refuse 
   to pay the fines straightaway eventually capitulate when we up the ante and threaten them
   with bailiffs, CCJs and loss of their credit ratings.......but then of course we do encounter
   a very small, stubborn, well-educated group of motorists , who are more than prepared
   to fight their case in court
-   So do any of them win ?
-   Unfortunately yes.....but we can't afford bow down and accept that we're batting on a
     losing wicked......Good Lord no......the company will keep on persevering with taking
     motorists to court come what may.......because the fear factor our policy creates far far 
     outweighs any of the decisions that often go against us
-    Clearly then .....your policy is akin to a war of attrition......which most motorists don't 
     want to engage in
-    Brilliant isn't it....
-    Well , thanks for that interview .......the recording of that will go out on Panaroma next
-    You little sod
-    Well, that's what happens when you upset the producer of the programme by issuing
     an unwarranted PCN to his wife , who keyed in an "5" instead of a "S"  



Saturday, 10 February 2018


In many unmanned private car parks the camera is king. Vehicle registration plates are photographed on entry and exit , giving these parking cowboys countless opportunities to issue PCNs for overstaying and entering incorrect registration plate details. Yet despite this supposed foolproof technology , Bigot found the perfect riposte as highlighted in this following landmark case.

Smart Arse Parking Solutions v. Bigot-Johnson  (2018)

Counsel for the plaintiff : We believe this man......the defendant .....entered the car in his metallic grey Toyota Corolla and left without paying. Unfortunately we have no photo records to prove this but by a fortunate co-incidence one of Smart Arse's employees was in a pub where Bigot was proudly boasting about his amazing coup
B-J : Show me the evidence that I used that car park on that day
CP : We do have photos of a car similar in colour and make to yours .....but unfortunately the vehicle registration plates were obscured from view by a pedestrian
B-J : Still no proof that is was my car in those photos
CP : No....however although the plates were not visible there was a woman of your age who walked just in front of the car on entry.......and just behind the vehicle on exit.
B-J : An amazing co-incidence
CP : Yes indeed....but my client strongly suspects it was you who was up to no good and foul play........and that your wife had a part to play in it
B-J : Well ...Smart Arse Parking knows all about foul play being the perpetrator of the lowest, meanest,  most dastardly tricks known to mankind in entrapping motorists and then bullying them relentlessly..... until they submit into paying unfair and unwarranted PCNs
Judge : Well , as I see it suspicion alone is not evidence enough to establish Bigot as the
culprit involved. Moreover hearsay evidence of a confession is inadmissible too. Case dismissed.......and by the way Bigot..... how far from the car would a pedestrian have to be to interfere and block out the camera's view ?
B-J : Well....having no actual experience to draw upon....I would offer an opinion of around four to six feet
Judge : Useful information that......thank you very much indeed
CP : Your Honour.....motorists are not allowed to get away with such practices
Judge : Ah....but there's nothing in the company's on-site signage that states otherwise.
And in any case there is nothing in law which can forbid a random pedestrian or stranger to walk in front and behind slow moving vehicles in a car park. People milling about in car parks happens all the time. And freedom of movement is a sacred democratic right is it not ?
CP : Oh my God .....Smart Arse directors are going to be really pissed off by this outcome
Judge : I'm glad to hear it
B-J : Me too

This was the case which this notorious parking bully boy believed it could win. At long last Bigot would be defeated in court. Not only was he up for non-payment of a parking fee but also criminal damage to property. 

Counsel for the plaintiff : you admit to failing to pay for one hour's parking and destroying one of Excel's highly sophisticated ticket machines
B-J : No....
CP : Well , the facts speak for themselves. The company received no monetary payment for the one hour stay, and we have dozens of photos depicting the carnage inflicted upon the ticket machine ......which I might add was left beyond repair
B-J : Ah well....the machine was clearly faulty because my first £1 coin got stuck in the slot.I tried to retrieve it by using a thin piece of wire but to no avail. So I telephoned the Excel's number to explain the difficulty I was in and to find out what my options were if any.
CP : Yes ?
B-J : I asked them if it was OK to have " another go " at retrieving my coin. I was told " yes, by all means ", which I took as blanket permission to use any other method that I saw fit. 
CP : But setting about the ticket machine with a sledge hammer and other heavy duty tools , which you rather conveniently had in the back of your car was not what the company envisaged.
B-J :  Permission was given with no restrictions in place. I think " by all means " says it all. They never enquired as to what means I might be employing. Drastic action called for drastic measures.
CP : I'm sorry but your actions amounted to criminal damage ........the like of which Excel has never seen in all its years of operation
B-J : My actions were the only means by which I could achieve my objective. Indeed , I successfully managed to retrieve my coin from the wreckage scattered about my feet. As to what happened to all the other coins strewn about the place I haven't a clue , but I do recall a huge queue of people with itchy fingers and big smiles ready to dive in as soon as I left the scene.
CP : Ah ......but there's still the matter of non-payment
B-J: Yes .......I intended to make a payment at the other ticket machine, which was at the opposite end of the car park. However , some other motorist had been inspired by what I was doing.....and had already set about that machine with a hefty crowbar and other implements of destruction. So you see ....payment was now impossible...... and as a consequence of that..... the possibility of forming a contract had gone completely.  
Judge : I agree.....when payment.......was rendered impossible for lack of ticket machines in good working condition , it was obvious that acceptance of the offer could never take place.  Therefore,  in such circumstances neither party has any rights against the other. Case dismissed.


Friday, 9 February 2018


-  This racket we're operating is amazing
-'s a wonder the Krays didn't think of this first
-  Legalised extortion is what they would call it
-  I it's not surprising we're getting bad press reviews.....and motorists forums on
   the internet slagging us off big time
-  Our company reputation and public image is shit......but who cares so long as the money
   keeps rolling in
-  Yes....and even though thousands of motorists get caught out each week vowing 
    never to      return to any of our sites.......there are tens of thousands more ready and 
    willing to take their place 
-  Yes....treating our motoring customers like scumbags doesn't impact badly at all on our
    business turnover. We're still making money hand over fist.
-   Indeed, motorists ......thank God.....are ignorant gullible sapheads.......nothing more than 
    a load of mugs, dipsticks, dopes, soft touches, easy prey.....error-prone fools who find
    it impossible to keep time ..... and key in their car registration plates correctly
-   I know.....I've been done myself parking up at an Excel car park....but a quick phone call 
    to their top man explaining who I was immediately resulted with an instant apology and 
    the cancellation of the PCN
-   Quite right......the brotherhood has to stand together shoulder to shoulder 
-   It's so important that all the private car parking companies work together to ensure that
    the law doesn't change in favour of the motorist. That would be an utter disaster.  But
    thankfully we have the funds now to lobby and persuade MPs into thwarting or watering
    down any intended legislation that could undermine our hugely successful business 
    model. The power of money eh ?
- it stands we're also winning the battle to convince more and more retail parks
     to let us in to find desperately needed solutions to resolve their traffic flow problems. The
     fact there were never any problems in the first place seems irrelevant. Giving them a 
     financial sweetener will always do the trick. Once in ....motorists' will then find their
     goose is well and truly cooked, while we of course snap up the golden eggs
-   But surely some of these supermarkets will suffer a drop in customer turnover if a 
    growing number of motorists fail to return ? 
-   Very unlikely.....because as I said before .....there are hundreds more motorists who are
     willing to their place...... given that demand for available parking spaces will always 
     exceed supply. We are in a perfect win-win situation.
-   Well if that is the case why not screw the motorists even more by upping the PCN charge
     to £150........we can commercially justify it on the grounds that we have to employ far
     more admin staff to help process and chase up the ever-increasing number of PCNs 
     we issue each week
-   Why not indeed
-   Is there any champagne left?

Wednesday, 7 February 2018


Another cowboy outfit. Another attempted scam. Another day in court for Bigot , who had entered a car park only to drive out minutes later , having failed to find an available parking bay.

Counsel for the plaintiff (CP) : This man.......a  renown scourge of private car parking industry......entered my client's car park and then left without paying. This represents a clear breach of contract as Smart Arse Parking Solutions missed out on valuable ticket revenue , needed to help put food on the table for their impoverished directors'  starving wives and children .
B-J : But I don't recall ever entering into a contract for which this alleged breach was supposedly based upon. No contract means no breach in my book.
Judge : Mine too......
CP : The contract is presumed to have been entered into as soon as the camera clocks your entry
B-J : No,,,,,,the contract is formed at the ticket machine when the terms and conditions have been read and accepted ....plate details entered ....and correct payment made for the intended length of stay. 
CP :  Ah... but the rules state that after 10 minutes of entering the car park , you are contractually bound for acceptance has taken place by way of performance .....along with the fact you failed to exit the car park within that permitted time.
 B-J : So please correct me if I'm wrong..... a man say enters a book shop to look around and browse ....then decides not to make a purchase...... Are you saying he is legally bound to buy a product ? I think not. Neither is he a trespasser since he has been invited into that shop by virtue of all the invitations to treat displayed in the shop window.
CP: But...
B-J : But nothing......motorists are invited and welcomed onto car park sites. They all have a right to read the terms and conditions....for whatever time it takes to digest, interpret and understand what they mean....and then make a decision as to whether or not to enter into a contract. Motorists have a right to reject the offer to park there and leave without any legal obligations imposed upon them
CP: But...
B-J : But nothing.....a motorist who valiantly tries to find a parking space and then gives up has neither entered a contract nor caused the company any financial loss. When a car park is full maximum revenue has already been achieved. Moreover , at no point was his car parked up in a bay , because driving around looking for spaces hardly constitutes parking which has to be paid for. He too has a unfettered right to leave without fear of being sued for breach of contract .....or even trespass for that matter.
Judge : I agree.....this so called 10 minute rule is a nonsense and from what I have discovered there is no mention of it on the signage. Case dismissed with Smart Arse Parking Solutions to pay all of Bigot's costs.......which I hope are collossal